Mommy Musing - The Never Ending To Do List

Never is the time crunch on mommy demands worse than at this time of year. Extra work in decorating and maintaining the house for visitors, parties, shopping, and just things like medical visits are eating in to the time that I didn't even know I had. The "ought to" and the "got to" lists in my house are growing by the minute... The every day domestic stuff never goes away, and even if I was anywhere close to caught up on laundry and vacuuming, I have just over a week before the Holidays ramp up in to full swing. We have officially reached the point of no slowing down until January, and it can all be a little overwhelming. 

Beyond the irritation of mall shopping, and plainly wanting to do chores after work, I'm really scared that my Angry Mom is showing up too often lately. Most of the joy that comes from the Holidays is doing activities with my son, and eagerly awaiting the moment when he can open up his gifts! I love watching his face while he marvels at an elaborate mall tree, or the shock and wonder of walking through what little snow we've had. It's amazing, sweet, and exactly the way I want to be spending my time - not stirring a pot for dinner, or matching socks. 

I thrive under a routine, but when something constantly knocks down my plans, like the unexpected activities associated with the holidays, I get really easily frustrated. Not frustrated that my schedule is off, but more concerned that some things are going to just fall off my plate. They do, and that's unavoidable. The lack of control can make me feel like a failure as a wife, and certainly as a mother. My son is too young to understand that Mommy has a lot to do, and to know that we missed a craft time or a play date, but he's not too young to know that I'm stressed and distracted.

I can prioritize, delegate, dig in and accomplish whatever I can, but it's just not going to all get done. It can't, and I'm learning to be okay with that. With travelling to another province, I'm giving up my tree this year. A small sacrifice that I don't mind too much. I'm not going to attempt to do 4 fancy cookies, or to handwrite cards to everyone I know, although I love both those things. We're not going to go on dozens of winter walks to see Christmas lights, make snow angels, and go tobogganing in the park. My life is not picture perfect all the time, and that's normal.

What I am going to do is surround myself with family, spend extra time in my pajamas, and try to relax. When I look back on my life, I don't think I'll ever wish I spend more time scrubbing floors or tying perfect ribbon. In my heart, I'm not the sick and tired mom, ever tethered to her phone. I want to spend more time on the floor, learning about diggers, painting, and making dinosaur noises. So that's my gift to myself this year - permission to be a messy, lazy, happy and engaged mom. I think it's my favourite gift ever. 

Mommy Musing: Including Yourself in the Picture

I'm not a "selfie" kinda gal. My social media profile contains more images of my cats than of myself. Hey, cats are huge on the internet... Still, at a photo shoot that I had back in October for my son and niece, I decided to force myself to be included in at least a few. We had pictures as a group, and I tried my best to "look nice" while trying to keep my busy toddler still. I was incredibly judgemental of the results; looking more at my belly and my messy hair than at the smiles and the fun of my family on a sunny fall day. I can't help myself, I have poor body image.

I've struggled with my weight as far back as I can remember. I have seen pictures of myself as a slender 8 year old, but what I recall most is the wounded and overweight me that began in my early teens. I stopped wearing shorts at 14 years old, after the only pair that I felt comfortable in - a thick, black pair I stole from my father - fell apart in the wash. I would shop with my friends at the mall, but buy only shoes or accessories, getting my clothes from thrift or outlet stores. I love being thrifty, but I also couldn't justify spending designer prices to clothe a body I hated.

Having grown in to my body, so to speak, I'm no longer ashamed of what I look like. I try to eat moderately, I exercise when I can, and I'm healthy. Old habits do die hard, however, and I still find myself feeling self conscious regularly. I have days when I can't find anything to wear, or scrutinize the blemishes and dark spots on my face harshly. That's all part of being a female I suppose, especially in this modern, photo-obsessed world. I accept myself, but not in a swim suit, or shorts, or in photos, or... so maybe I haven't fully come around.

My mother is the same, but for her own reasons. She is beautiful, slender, and looks so young for her age. You would think she would love to have family pictures done, but when she sees herself, she sees a (non-existent) bump on her nose from when it was broken as a teen, she sees wrinkles and age spots, she see an image that she would rather not capture. So she hangs photos of us, but not of herself.  I have so few photos of my whole family together, and even fewer of just my mom at the various stages of her life. The ones I have, I love so much. I laugh at the fashions, smile at the fun, and search for features that were inherited by my sisters and I.

It made me start thinking of my son in the future. It's terrible to think of, but the unforseen can happen. He will wake up one day, hopefully decades from now, and I will no longer be there to spend time with him. As much as I hate my outfit, or my stretch marks, or muffin top, I will never be as young as I am today. He, and maybe his children, will want to reach back in time like I do now. I want to leave him the memories of fun and love that we have together, and not always be the one behind the camera. 

Having my photo done might make me feel awkward in the moment, and I may not always be thrilled at the results, but what I'm doing is capturing a moment in time. I owe it to my son and to myself to have those memories to look back on together. They don't need to go on Facebook or be framed on the wall, but can be stored safe in an album that I take down like a story book, and tell the tale of my own life, and the life we share together.

Mommy Musing - Mom Guilt

I think it’s common for women to take on more than they can sometimes handle. We’re emotional people, we’re givers, and we stress about things that are well beyond our control. I can remember many nights, starting in my teens, when I would lay awake running over and over again in my mind the things I had to do the next day, dumb things I had said, and all of the ways I could improve tomorrow. I worry less about dumb things I say now, but the "to do” list and things to worry about in general has only grown since becoming a mom early 2014. Whether it’s a biological response, for evolutionary purposes, or just the lack of sleep and wacky hormones, guilt seems to compound.

Take coffee for example. I am a great lover of coffee for the rich taste and the wake-upping properties, but coffee is a major source of unnecessary and poisonous guilt for me. Before my son, justifying a trip to Tim Horton’s was hardly necessary. It was practically a hobby of mine, and I had a “Cheers” affect at my local store. Now, even though I’m back to work, and I sometimes skip breakfast to save time in the morning, I have a huge problem allowing myself to spend $5 before 9am. I’ll wrinkle my face, frustrated with myself, and end up having rushed instant oatmeal and coffee in the break room instead. Even a coffee at home is guilt inducing! I’m either mad that I’m sipping something at a safe distance rather than playing, or if I indulge while my son naps, I feel pangs at knowing I could be doing laundry or vacuuming!

As if trivial concern like coffee wasn’t bad enough, a mom carries the major weight of what I will call the First Five burden. We are constantly reminded of how critical the first 5 years of a child’s life are in terms of their development. It makes you feel that, in addition to love and patience, you are running a home-school and laboratory. Did you read enough? Did she eat enough produce? Does he have enough stimulation? No screen time before 2 years. Are they hitting their milestones? YIKES! It’s incredibly hard to strike a balance of quality time, and wondering if you’re encouraging vocabulary and independence! Not that it gets any easier when they are at school or daycare. Did I pack enough? Is he making friends? Did she get enough sleep? The list goes on and on.

Then there’s everyone else in your life… I knew that motherhood would start to bring some people in, and push others out, but I couldn’t have foreseen the extent. You bond with your family in new ways, and value get-togethers in a way you couldn’t appreciate before. Last Christmas was amazing to watch my son and my niece, playing with my youngest sister – someone I still view as a child at 25. It’s hard to separate this “family” element from the coupledom you had before kids. You long to spend quality time with your spouse, but you also feel guilty getting a sitter. How dare you have a date night every three months, maybe? Even if you do get out, you wonder how they are doing the whole time.

Then there are friends, and this is the hardest part. They take a back seat to fevers and teething and soccer practice. Friends with kids get it, they are the same way, and your friendship is strengthened by this mutual flakiness and exhaustion. They become more like army buddies, stationed at another military basis. Your correspondence is shared joys and commiseration over “phases.” Friends without kids, well, different story. You feel guilty for backing out again and again, but then you feel guilty for drinking wine while your toddler sleeps upstairs.

While I usually include tips or solutions in my posts, this is the one subject on which I'm at a loss. I've always had guilt, and I probably always will. It's part of my constitution. I know it can be emotionally draining, but it also drives me to improve. All I can do is recognize my humanity and try not to be so hard on myself on days that the guilt buildings up too much. I hope you can take a deep breath and do the same.

Mommy Musings: When There is Nothing To Go Back To...

Finding out I was pregnant was nothing like I had imagined it would be. I have wanted to be a mother since as far back as I can remember. I never once imagined a future where I didn't have children, and in my dreamiest moments I saw 5 or 6 little sets of shoes and coats hanging by the front door. (Now I’m thinking more like 2 or 3 but if I ever won the lottery…)

The way I pictured it happening varied day to day, but never did I consider that I would cry out of fear and worry and a heavy sense of doom. My daughter is the most wonderful addition to my life, and being a mother is exactly what I had always hoped it would be, but when I first saw those little blue lines I was 2 months away from finishing a part-time contract position and I had no job prospect on the horizon. I managed to get another contract position while I was pregnant (with fewer hours, lower hourly wage, and for a shorter length) but my entire career was uncertain. I spent so many of my hormone-filled pregnant nights crying because I didn't know how I would handle it all. Planning for a baby on an uncertain take home pay, and knowing I’d have no job to go back to after maternity leave, left me absolutely winded. I spent so much time, and money, and effort getting a Master’s degree but library jobs are few and far between. I was okay with spending some time taking smaller contract and part-time positions to gain experience and bolster my resume, but a baby curtailed that plan.

Luckily, I was able to forget my fears and concerns and enjoy the time spent with my baby. Being a mother is a job, but it is the best job, and I have loved every single minute I have spent with Eloise. She has decided to keep growing, however, and now at 10 months in I am forced to face the reality: how do I deal with going back when there’s nothing to go back to?

The stress of going back to work is heightened tenfold when you don’t actually have a job waiting for you:

*I cannot choose a day care when I don’t know in what area of the city (or even which city) I’ll find a job or what my schedule will look like. Yet, some day cares have wait lists.

*My maternity leave benefits will end in two months, but expenses will grow. We have no idea where the money will come from.

*My time with my baby is dwindling and I have this dark cloud hanging over every minute. Instead of taking a break or tidying the kitchen during naps, I have to scour job boards and write cover letters and work out logistics for interviews. Oh, and get my crying out so she doesn't see me upset. 

*How do I explain the last year of leave in an interview? A job you return to already knows you had a baby.

*Family planning is complicated. We don’t have the luxury of choosing when we want to have another baby, because it will depend on how long I've been at a job (IF I can find a permanent position…).

These stressors are in addition to what every mother feels: the worry of how she’ll develop and grow in a new environment without me, the feeling of loss after a year of one-on-one time, the pressure of daycare costs and added sick days.

Life doesn't always happen according to your schedule, so you really have no choice but to roll with the punches. I just hope that by the time my daughter becomes more aware of her surroundings; she’ll have a confident mother she can be proud of.

Mommy Musing: Three Stages of the First Year

The first year with your first child is both the longest and the shortest year of your life. The days can be filled with both joy and exhaustion, both peace and panic, and both priceless memories... and moments you only wish you could forget. As I reflect on the blur that was my first year with a son, I've picked out three distinct phases that I went through along with him. If you're a parent, I hope you will laugh and commiserate. If you're not yet a parent, well, I hope I don't scare you too much.

She was awake just before you got here...

Stage One: The Potato Phase (birth to 4 months)

Parenting a newborn is like being the owner of town fair winning Idaho Red - you're incredibly proud after months of work, and everyone is eager to see the results... at first. You see, they don't do much. They're adorable, fun to cuddle, and amazing to watch, but mostly if you're family. Friends without kids likely can't fathom that, despite that fact that they only seem to be eating or pooping, if they are not asleep, that they do this at irregular intervals through out the day and night, leaving you absolutely exhausted. So, you likely haven't see that blockbuster or have tried that trendy new restaurant. Friends with kids will probably have war stories from later on, and won't really sympathize either. Well, they do, in that head nodding kind of way that will make you wonder what you've gotten yourself into. It can be tough, but it's worth it. You just don't always realize that at 3am.

My tip? NANA's HOUSE

Go to your mothers, your aunts, your grandparent. Take a nap, take a shower, take a free meal for pete's sake. You need your strength!

Did he just clap? That was amazing!

Stage Two: Did You See That? (5-8 months)

Somewhere around the 5th month of your child's life, you start to see an awakening. They smile, they can hold focus on a toy, make some giggles, possibly crawl... It starts to be that everything they do is absolutely incredible. If you didn't before, by now you're ready to put an ad in the newspaper every time your child does something new. Your Facebook feed is horrendously packed with little snippets and photos, and you've been out of regular adult conversation long enough to believe that you've given birth to the next Einstein. It's exciting, but it's also scary, because you start to worry about every decision you make, and how it might stunt or increase your child's development. Do I have to make all organic home purees? Should I play classical music while she sleeps? No toys with batteries, we need to encourage his creativity!

My tip? Mommy Groups

When you need to brag a little, compare what's normal, and ask advice on age appropriate brain stimulus, it's okay, because SO DO THEY! A safe (and free) place like the Ontario Early Years program also include resident Public Health Nurses and print resources from a reputable source.

Stage Three: Teething and Walking (9 months plus)

By this point, you've got a certain grasp of parenting. It's never easy, but you've seen some stuff. You probably dealt with a cold, an untimely poo-splosion, a fall, a sleep regression... and you think things are going well. Until they stand up for the first time. Pride is quickly swept away by absolute terror as you wonder if their legs can support themselves, and why you didn't replace your coffee table with a padded ottoman sooner. They get brave, they get braver, they sometimes get hurt. Perhaps even more troublesome than the amount of Sesame Street bandages and ice you now need on hand, is the sudden onset of cutting teeth. For my son, they came in bulk starting around 5 months, but the molars were the worst. A happy, sleeping baby is suddenly an inconsolable mess! If you've gotten used to sleeping through the night, or have to go to work the next day, the panic is worse for you than baby! You rack your brain, you try every trick in the book, you consider the hospital (for yourself more than baby), and finally you realize what's happening. 

My tip? Oh heck... I don't even know what to tell you.

The thing is, parenting can be like paradise with landmines. You love your child so much, that any disruption in the natural order is going to be a pain, but you can handle it. A mommy once told us that, if you're losing your grip, give that baby a hug. It might not help them, but it will certainly help you. It's an adventure alright, but it's the best one ever!

Mommy Musing: Parenting Heros

When sorting through all the choices we have as mothers (breast vs bottle or both, cloth or disposable diapers, purees or baby-led weaning...) it can be hard to zone in to the "right" thing to do. Of course, all of the above choices are fine for baby, but what is natural, fits with your morals, and works best for your child might not be obvious. That's when you need an adviser to point you in the right direction. Some one whose parenting you understand and respect. Someone who has shown you love, taken care of you, or someone you've watched with amazement, wonderfully caring for their own.

The first person to stand out in my own mind is, of course, my mother. She's a wonderful cook, did crafts, kept a level head, and showered us with love when we needed it. It was the ultimate goal to make her proud, and I would love for my son to respect me the way I respect her. Plus, I like to think I turned out pretty well... And while I think about what a wonderful grandparent she is, she recently told me a little about how her new role makes her feel:

"I didn’t grow up with a Grandmother myself but when I married my husband; I met and fell in love with his Grandmother. Granny was both pious and irreverent. She made everyone feel loved and welcome and foremost her favorite. She of course baked and knitted and went to church every Sunday and will be forever the most perfect of Grannies in my life.

When I became a mother and had the chance to see my own mother and mother-in-law become their own modern Grandmothers, both had vastly different styles of showing interest and affection, both hands on and hands off but clearly adoring their large broods. Now I’m a Nana, choosing that moniker to distinguish myself from the ones before me. I don’t know how to be the perfect (Granny) example of love and adulation but I know that it is so strong in me and I definitely want my little ones to know that they can tell me anything and do most things.

Most important of all for them to know is that as imperfect as parents and grandparents can be, we see them as a wonderful light in our heart and give us the bravado to whip out a portfolio of pictures to show strangers standing in line at Walmart."

Your hero doesn't need to be a strong, female family member, or female at all. I've gained information about coping with the hard times, and enjoying the fun that comes with being a mother. My father and grandfather have the best senses of humour, joking and teasing my son without over-thinking the mess (or the potential of puke.) They let boys be boys, and yet treat my niece no different as a petite, little girl. My friend Laura was a the very model of grace under pressure with two boys under 6, reinforcing manners, and that actions have consequences. She always explained why, at their level, with a loving tone that also conveyed the seriousness.

You will always worry about the choice you make, and how you're doing as a parent. I know that I have made and will make mistakes as a parent, but that's okay. When I feel that it's going all wrong, I take a deep breath and think about my parenting heros. What would they do? How would they counsel me right now? Personally, I think my lovely Scottish Granny would smile, give me a big hug and say that's he's "no broken." I'm doing fine.

Mommy Musing: “Just Wait”

Being a first time mom is an amazing experience and every single day has had something new for me to discover about myself. Things like: how much I can accomplish on 2 hours sleep, how excited I can be to see poop (my baby finally feels better!), or how much capacity for love I possess. I’m enjoying taking it one day at a time, and even though I share in my daughter’s frustration in not quite figuring out how to crawl forward yet, and I look forward to being able to hear her talk, I’m in no hurry to see her get big. I want to experience every stage for as long as that stage lasts.

Spending each and every day learning and growing alongside a little one is so fun that, naturally, I want to share big and little milestones with the people around me - my parents, my sisters, my friends, and other moms I hang around with. With so many different people, and an equal number of different experiences, I expect to get varying reactions based on the topic. For example, my younger sister – the unmarried student – isn’t really interested in poop colours. Fair enough. I know that everyone I share with love and support my little family, so there isn’t really one specific way for them to respond to things…but if you’re talking to me about my baby, there is one thing that is ALWAYS the wrong thing to say. 

Just wait.

“Eloise is rolling over! It’s so cute how she’s mobile but now I can never let her out of my sight.”

“Just wait until she’s crawling like ____, then you’ll really be tired.”

“Eloise is eating cereal now! She loves trying new textures!”

“Just wait until she’s feeding herself. That’s the real adventure!”

“Eloise is cutting a tooth so she’s a bit fussier than usual.”

“Just wait until the molars come in. Those are the really sore ones.”

There are a few reasons why “just wait” is a horrible thing to say to me as a mom. For one, it reduces my feelings. Saying “just wait…” is telling me that the stress, sadness, frustration, or even joy I’m feeling right now is lesser than. Lesser than the stress you’re currently feeling or have felt. Lesser than the future stress I’ll feel and as such not really worthy of noting. No matter what age or stage a mother is currently in, all the emotions are important and real. I have every right to feel worry for my baby even if there is more to worry about on the horizon.

“Just wait” can also feel like a competition, since it most often comes from other mothers who are further into the experience than I am or whose babies are more advanced in certain areas. It can sound like: “You think you’ve got it bad? Your experience is nothing compared to mine!” or “You think that’s impressive? Look what my baby can do!” When I am sharing an exciting milestone with you, or asking if something is normal, or confiding a frustration…I’m looking to share with someone I trust and respect. I’m not throwing down the gauntlet. I am always willing to listen, commiserate, or celebrate with other mothers, but motherhood is not a competition. Every parent is an expert on their own child, but not on every child. My child might not even go through the stage yours did. I might be waiting forever to experience teething fevers or a dancing phase. My baby is an individual.

If nothing else, “just wait” imposes a timeline on my baby that I don’t like. I am happy to dawdle if need be, to watch my baby develop at the slow and steady pace that suits her. I don’t want to constantly look towards the next thing when I can be experiencing her in real time. Walking usually comes after crawling and slices of fruit come after purées…but the most important stage is the one my baby is currently in. I am positive that there are joys and defeats we cannot even imagine in store for us, but I'm in no hurry. I'm willing to wait.

Weekend Mommy Musing: Lessons from my First Year

My son was born two weeks before Mother’s Day last year, so technically, this year is my second. In the glow and the exhaustion of having recently given birth, I’m not sure I actually felt like a mommy yet. I was proud, and tired, and a little bit scared, and all those things are still true, but I was mostly quite unaware of what motherhood actually entailed. If I knew as a kid what I know now, only one year into this journey, I would have tried even harder on those pictures and breakfasts for my own mom. 

I've learned that motherhood makes you silly, and it’s amazingly freeing. Coming from a family of bold personalities and loud voices, I've never really been shy, but I had considered myself fairly serious. I worked hard at a heavy degree, I take my career very seriously, and my finances are a tight ship. Having a baby allows you to sing in public. To make funny faces, art projects, and coordinated dances. You get colourful toys and tableware. Your space is more cluttered and random. It’s a breath of fresh air that I didn't know that I needed. 

I've learned that I can withstand a huge amount of grossness and not freak out or vomit. Before Elliott, I was a lot more private. I'm not one to throw up, or talk about my digestive practices. I was beyond mortified if I ever broke wind in front of my husband or family. Well, pregnancy fixed my comfort level with gas. Man, was that awful. And poop? Well, we could write a whole blog series about it now. The stories I have and situations I've been in, I never could have imagined. From your own post-partum (not fun), to the myriad of varieties that come from a child? I mean, it’s practically a table topic in my house. 

I've learned that mommies are all part of a sorority, and it’s a pretty awesome club. I’ve made friends with some truly amazing women, who come in to motherhood from all different ways, at all different ages. Some craft, some hike, some make their own food. Some just try to survive the day while coping with colic, or depression, or anxiety. What we all have in common though, is that love and that pure intention. That desire to do things right, as best as possible, to make the brightest future for our children. 

As you think about what it means to you to be a mom, marvel at your own mother, or both, remember that intention. Let’s try to better understand where our actions come from. It’s easy to make a decision in the moment, and then doubt it. To regret an opportunity lost, or a mistake made. Women do that a lot. When I think back on this year, I want to remember the laughter, the colours, the cuddles, and that smile - the smile that tells me that I made him happy. There’s no better feeling in the whole world, and for that, I am so grateful.

Mommy Musing - Going Back to Work

Four months postpartum, I was so ready to go back to work it was ridiculous. At home I felt a little lost, very lonely, and without a benchmark to go by, like I was failing completely at motherhood. It's not that I wanted to be away from my son, I just felt that in his best interest, he should be with someone who was better at entertaining him and tending to his needs. In short, a better mom. The thing about that is - even on my worst days - I'm the only mom he has, and I'm the best person for the job.

The anxiety started to lessen for me around six months when his emotions were more readable from his reactions, and his routine was a little more established. It still took work; like commiserating about the hard stuff with other moms, and having something to get dressed and be out of the house for. Fresh air, even when it's very cold, is great to wake up your senses. Things still happened to make me worry and doubt, but it didn't get me down in the same way as it did early on. His smiles and laugher reassured me that he was happy.

Almost eleven months in now, watching him dance, learn to walk, eat "table" food... it's amazing. He's developing the most amazing personality right in front of my eyes, and I don't want to miss a minute. Now that I'm coping, and some days even thriving as a stay-at-home mom, I have to go back to work. The stress and the anxiety is creeping back, but this time it's about leaving. Will I remember how to do my job? Will I miss something important? After spending almost a year learning how to have a routine without employment, can I go back? Will I be able to develop that work-life balance?

I have never dealt well with major change. It's just like that first September with no school, or seeing your ex when you feel you have finally moved on. You feel at the edge of something new, and you sense a lack of control. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and I have been very fortunate that every end in my life has brought me somewhere better, so I had to think of the up sides, and it isn't that hard to find at least a few.

Staying at home is like working double shifts every single day. You spend no less than 12 hours a day together, not to mention those night time visits. So, now that I will be spending one of those shifts away, I will have the opportunity to miss my son a little. I know this will help me to appreciate our time together more, and give me even more reasons to take cute pictures to keep at my desk.  The structure that comes with an actual work day (and a lunch break!) are going to be helpful in the long run.

For anyone getting near this big shift for the first time, like I am, take a deep breath. It's not going to be easy, but you can do it. I'm scared, but determined not to be too hard on myself. If you need a double shot to get started in the morning, or don't fit in to your old work wardrobe, that's life. A lot of things are going to be different now, and that's OK. Motherhood is the best kind of insanity there is, and we're in it together.

Mommy Musing - Top 6 Reasons I Didn't Go To A Mommy Group This Week

Ah, the mommy group. The opportunity to get out of the house to commiserate and celebrate with other mothers. They are a much needed respite from the every day isolation of maternity leave where women can bond, and at the same time they are cesspools full of baby germs and rivalry. I attend my share of events in my neighbourhood to meet people and get out of the house and I've found it a very rewarding experience, but it's not something I can do too much of. So, here are the top 6 reasons I didn't go to a mommy group this week. (Or, last week, or whichever week I chose to abstain.)

6. I Couldn't Get It Together

This is not a newsflash: some days are a lot harder than others. So, if we didn't sleep all night because of a growth spurt or teething or if I've just finished cleaning up the third poo-splosion of the day, I'm not going to get out of the house. Some days the kitchen gets cleaned during nap time, the groceries get picked up on the way home from an extra long play date, and dinner is a new recipe I found in a magazine. The majority of my days look nothing like that, however. Most days, success means the baby is playing quietly on her play mat (finally!) while I get to pee for the first time in 5 hours. I try to shower every day but it doesn't always happen. The last thing on my mind when we're in between meltdowns is which drop-ins are happening that afternoon. Getting out of the house, meeting new people, exposing my baby to new faces, and learning new skills or songs are all important to me, but sometimes I just cannot get it together enough to add a mommy group to the mix.

5. I Couldn't Get There.

We are a zero car family. Neither my husband nor I have our driver's licences, but even if we did, we would not be able to afford multiple cars. (Or even one car, right now, probably.) So, when mommy events happen across the city or somewhere with limited transit service, we simply can't go. I've met some amazingly nice mothers who offer to drive baby and me to different meet-ups, but that isn't always an ideal solution. If my daughter gets especially fussy, or I have something to do right after the event, I am not free to leave on my own. This pressure flows onto the mom kind enough to drive me, as she tries to feel out whether I am ready to go or not when she's done socializing. When it comes to going anywhere with an infant, you need the freedom to be able to pack up and leave at a moment's notice, because, honestly: sometimes baby just isn't feelin' it.

4. I Couldn't Afford It.

Putting aside for a moment all those amazing mommy resources in the city that cost an arm and a leg to access (baby yoga, stroller-cise, art classes, etc) and the programs that require membership fees just to get in the same room with other moms - being in a mommy group can get really expensive. A warm weather walk ends at a fancy café for a pricey coffee drink and baked goods. Lunch dates are hosted at up-scale sushi places or fancy restaurants instead of tuna sandwiches at someone's house. I know mom's are looking to get out of the house, (and also wanting to take advantage of the perks of weekday afternoons at different businesses) but my husband and I cannot afford for me to go gallivanting about town, spending upwards of $50 a day just to be social. Man, do I ever wish I could reap some of the benefits of these classes and clubs, though.

3. I Couldn't Make the Timing Work.

What is it with the people who plan programming for mothers and babies? The library story time is from 10:00-11:30 and my closest Ontario Early Years 0-6 month baby group is 1:00-3:00 (otherwise known as nap times). With all of the recommendations of getting your baby on a sleep schedule and "consistency is key" messaging, why do the programmes that are tailor made for babies fall right in the sweet spot of sleeping times? I understand that there will be issues with any time slot, as mommies everywhere rush to get a baby dressed, changed, and fed before going out (to minimize the chances of a meltdown), but I feel like certain times are more universally selected for nap times than others. As my baby gets older, she is less likely to sleep just anywhere, so I have to be strategic in which events I attend to lessen the impact on her precious sleep times. (Because, I really NEED those sleep times!)

2. I Couldn't Compete.

Personal sleep doulas. Lactation support technicians. Nannies. Swim lessons directly following pre-ballet class? I can't compete with other mothers (I don't think I got directions to the starting line) and some days I just can't listen to women talk about how their babies are doing everything sooner and better and with way more professional support than my own baby is. There are definitely resources I would take advantage of if I had more money, and I feel that exact same surge of pride when my baby does something a bit sooner than the experts say to expect it, but I really resent the attitude that if you aren't doing this or haven't purchased that, then you're not doing it right. A lot of my discomfort stems from my own insecurity, I know. I read into things and see gauntlets being thrown down where none were, but there is definitely a spirit of competition ripe in mommy groups and I do not feel like playing that game.

And, the number one reason I didn't make it to a mommy group this week...

1. I Just Didn't Feel Like It.

Just as a zebra can't change his stripes, a homebody, introvert will not change into a social butterfly when a baby comes. I like to stay at home. I like to go on long walks just me and baby pointing out the new and different sights. I like reading a book while my baby takes a much needed nap. Some days I am taken aback by how isolated and lonely I feel at home alone with a 4 month old but most days, I just don't feel like getting out there and making small talk. This isn't because I dislike people (I have met some wonderful mothers and babies so far) and it isn't laziness. I just feel stress and pressure when I'm surrounded by people and I prefer to be alone a lot of the time. I do know how important it is to expose my daughter to other babies and new experiences, so I make sure to get out there at least once a week. But, more often than not, you'll find us walking around our neighbourhood singing songs or cuddling at home with a book, and that suits us just fine.

Mommy Musing: Breastfeeding

When I was pregnant, I did nothing to prepare for breastfeeding. My OB offhandedly suggested I sign up for a breastfeeding class when I was 37 weeks along, but the upcoming course was already full. Since he didn't seem worried about it, and had never mentioned it before, I didn't pursue it beyond the initial inquiry to the receptionist. I, like many new moms, thought that since breastfeeding was a natural function, it would be easy. It's not. It is not easy and it is especially hard to go it alone when you've had very little exposure to it. While I was still in the hospital, the lactation consultant I was promised never came to visit me, so other than the first few times the nurses shoved my baby's face into my boob, I had no help in figuring out the logistics of latching, timing, or positioning. From that very first day, we struggled. I remember walking (shuffling, really, because of my c-section) to the nurses station that first night to request some formula, at my husband and mother's prodding. I was crying while everyone reassured me, but I couldn't understand why I couldn't feed my baby. I felt somehow broken. (Having to sign a form absolving the hospital of any responsibility for my decision didn't help.) 

Almost four months on, and we have never reached our goal of exclusively breastfeeding. I searched for lactation consultants after the fact but we could not afford an expert and I couldn't find any free resources in my area. I have never felt so helpless, inadequate, isolated, confused, or conflicted in my life. I have nothing against formula - it offers balanced nutrients to my baby that I may not even be able to offer by breast alone (I am notoriously low on iron) - but the media and my experience of watching other mothers always led me to believe that it should be easy. As long as you can produce milk, and your baby can latch, you can breastfeed as long as you want. I never heard anyone else discuss things like low milk production, formula supplementation, herbal boosters, poor latching, cracked nipples, or prescription medicine. I was completely blind sided when I had to take antibiotics for a horrible case of mastitis. I would be feeding my baby in tears because of how much it hurt. Why are we hiding our true experiences from others so that everyone feels like they are struggling alone?

I've recently started taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle (12 capsules a day!) to try to increase my production as a hail Mary, so to speak. Every day I feel as though I am producing less and less while my baby wants more. These are things I am only discovering now. While it is too late in my breastfeeding journey to go the prescription route, Domperidone is another option for mothers who are struggling to satisfy their babies with breast alone.

When I was pregnant, I set a goal to breastfeed for the first six months, and I feel very lucky that I have been able to give my baby the breast milk I have up to this point. Not everyone can even get started, for myriad different reasons, so I appreciate every feed we successfully complete. Especially since I still don't think my baby latches totally correctly. I will seek out resources sooner, with my next child, because I now know that my situation is not unique. This is the most valuable lesson I have learned as I have struggled and succeeded through feedings: Breastfeeding is not easy and you are not alone.

I just wish I had learned it sooner.

Mommy Musings: Baby's Online Presence

Social media has changed the way we document our lives. Gone are the dusty photo albums that mostly only represented the big events. Now, it is so easy to upload a picture to the internet instantly for all to see. While it is great to be able to keep track of the every day adorableness of our families, and share images and videos for free with loved ones near and far, there are some guidelines we should stick to when sharing online. The decisions we make with our own photos are a little different from the ones we make with the image of others, children included. Here are some photo sharing don'ts to consider.

DON'T - Upload the entire set of shots from one day or event into a Facebook photo album and call it a day.

The beauty of a digital camera is that you can take unlimited shots of your daughter blowing out her birthday candles without fear of wasting film. You can make sure you get a great shot; eyes open, candles ablaze, dress unstained. However, it is unnecessary and lazy to just create an online album of the party and throw every single blurry, repetitive picture into it. No one wants to scroll through 30 of the exact same image in an album of 300 pictures from one day. Take the time to pick the 5, 10, or 20 shots that best represent the day and share only those pictures. You can keep the others for yourself, but I'd suggest paring down even for your own collection so that you can easily stroll down memory lane without thumb blocks and blurry messes making it feel overwhelming.

DON'T - Post pictures of your child in the bath.

I'm not telling you to not take pictures of your toddler with a bubble beard or your newborn's first bath, I'm just suggesting you don't post these pictures on the internet for all to see. It may be hilarious how your baby wiggles around to scratch his bare bum on the carpet the second his diaper comes off, but if you tape a short video of it, it should be kept for your own memory - offline. The recent celebrity privacy breach is a reminder that nothing we post online is safe, no matter what privacy restrictions you think you're placing on your content. Internet predators aside, you don't want your picture to get turned into an offensive meme that gets around the internet. On top of that, though, it's not really fair to put intimate pictures of your child online when they cannot give consent. Anything you post now is there forever and has the potential to embarrass them when they are old enough to build a social media presence of their own.

DON'T - Feel guilty about the choices you make when sharing pictures of your child(ren).

A friend on my Facebook page shares one bright, happy picture of her baby every day and was accused of misrepresenting the difficulties associated with parenting an infant. That's ridiculous! Why would she want to post a picture of a wailing baby? We all know there are tough times mixed in with the blissful ones. You are curating your own experience online, and you get to choose what you want to represent to your friends and family. This also includes how often you want to post. Don't feel pressure to post more pictures of your child then you are comfortable with just because people are demanding to see them, and equally, don't feel guilty about posting too many pictures. If someone doesn't like seeing images of your life (baby included) they can unsubscribe to your feed, check your Instagram less often, or not click on Twitter photo links. If you are uncomfortable with posting lots of pictures online and you have relatives who live far away, come up with another way for them to see your little one. A monthly photo e-mail newsletter? A Skype visit? Find something that works for you.

DON'T - Be afraid to ask others to respect these guidelines, as well.

People come to meet your baby or celebrate your 5 year old's birthday party and bring along their own cameras to document the festivities. Its perfectly fine for them to take a bunch of shots - your child is adorable after all - but you have every right to limit what they share online when it comes to your child. If you don't want a hundred pictures (or any pictures) online, say so. Friends and family may make different decisions when it comes to their children's online presence, but they will respect your wishes if you make them known.

Weekend Mommy Musing: Appreciating the Pregnancy Journey

A lot can change in 9 months. When I first found out I was expecting I was definitely taken aback. This pregnancy would not rightfully be classified as an accident, more like a much wanted result that we weren't specifically working towards at the time. Still, dealing with the initial emotional abundance took a while. Can we afford this? Is this the best time? (Is there such thing as a “best” time?) Should we move? What will happen to my career? Throughout my pregnancy I have probably felt every emotion there is to feel; excitement, fear, worry, pain, euphoria, anxiety…you name it, really.

As of late—as I slowly (and sleeplessly) waddle through the final month—I have been guilty of letting the stress of the preparations and the many unknowns of my pending labour and first month of motherhood get the better of me. Welcoming a cute, little ball of love and needs into the world is obviously a most desired end goal, but this is the only time I’ll be pregnant with my first child, and arguably one of only three (or four?) times I will get to experience the many sensations—good and bad—of pregnancy. I want to appreciate it, to truly experience it as the time of new life, of possibility, and of bonding that it is. I won’t miss the constant dull ache in my back, the many trips to the bathroom, or lonely sleepless nights as my husband continues his stay in the spare room to escape my restlessness (and snoring!), but I believe I will miss being pregnant as a whole and so I want to treasure it while I still have time.

Here are the promises I make to my pregnant self (and, as an extension, to my unborn child):

• I promise to be proud of my body now and in the future because it has done the most important biological job of creating a new life.

• I promise to take a minute every single day to really cherish the feeling of you wiggling inside my belly (or one of your many bouts of hiccoughs).

• I promise to focus on the process and the reward rather than the obstacles. The swollen feet won't last forever, but the memories of this time should be preserved.

• I promise to be thankful to my husband for all of the support he is giving me (including pulling those darned compression socks up over my whale ankles) instead of focusing on the fact that I'm the only one who has to feel these aches and pains.

Knowing that any day now could be D-day (or L-day, as it were) brings with it a special set of anxieties, so it's especially important to take a step back to reflect on this exact point in time. I encourage everyone - no matter where you are in your motherhood journey - to take a minute this weekend to really appreciate it.