Media Reflection: The Business of Being Born

The whole process of the actual delivery is something a pregnant woman spends a lot of time thinking about. The unknown causes a lot of anxiety, and that fear can lead you to believe that birth is a very clinical experience. I admit, I was of that opinion and never considered a midwife for my own labour experience. This very graphic documentary, produced by Ricki Lake, did not change that. What it did do, is raise some very interesting questions about the way birth is portrayed in the media, and how science of the delivery is actually practice in the United States. The message began with tangible numbers, and personal anecdotes, but ended with a harsh and emotional-fuelled assault on hospital birth that I found distasteful.  Here's my full account of "The Business of Being Born."

The Numbers

The film starts with some pretty staggering facts, including that 70% of births in Japan and in the United Kingdom employ a midwife, whereas the the number in the United States is less than 8%. In fact, the use of home birth in the US has seen a tremendous decline in just over 50 years. From 95% in 1900 to less than 1% in 1955. I find that difference remarkable, especially given the later stated math on cost. At the time of filming, a "spontaneous, vaginal birth" cost in excess of $13,000 done in hospital, while a mid-wife claimed her fees for the entire process, including pre-natal care and facility fees, would be around $4,000! The trouble of opting for the less expensive method is the ensuing insurance claim, which was made to look gruelling, if not practically impossible. I can see how these numbers would scare Americans, especially those in low income brackets, but as a Canadian viewing this film, the cost is all but irrelevant. 

The Control

The thesis of the film seems to be that a midwife offers you a lot more control over your birth experience than a doctor (granted), and that should be something we all want for the natural bonding implications. I'm not sure they convinced me of the later part of that statement, but control is very lacking on a bed in a delivery ward. Some of the evidence they show of hospital births are damning. In one scene, a doctor told a woman in a rather cold fashion "Remember, no crying. You gotta breathe, okay?" Several clips of births with "interventions" by hospital staff certainly play into that traumatic, sensational, ER version of birth you see on television. Nurses giving women deadlines on how long they had to push, and dosing medication after medication for everything from contraction management to pain reduction. By comparison, the home water bath and birthing centre did seem more civilized and calm. This is one of the strongest points put forward; feeling scared, and being given "expert" opinion does make you question your body and your ability to deliver in the manner in which you want. So called "choices" in hospital are really just instructions while you are in such a compromised state of body and mind. 

An image of a restrained woman about to deliver used in the film

The Emotions

That second part of the film's central premise - that we should desire to control our birth experience, and the essential emotions it produces - goes too far on too little in my opinion. While, as Ricki at one point says, childbirth is "not an illness," they overtly suggest that women that choose a doctor, medication, c-section, etc are not experiencing the natural chemical reaction necessary to create a loving bond. The pain/ pleasure euphoria that ensues after a natural (read: midwife assisted) birth supposedly generates an essential reaction crucial to attachment. I was shocked to the point of being a little offended. After nearly two hours of encouraging women to take charge of their own bodies and have the birth experience they want, they then back track telling you that the only kind they should want is natural, with a midwife. They insult women as "too posh to push" and bring up heinous examples of medical horrors such as thalidomide and 1920's birth restraints to really send home their point. It's cruel to women who have had medically necessary c-sections, and those who, after having done their research, chose an OB/GYN.

I did learn a lot about the options available to women in terms of the delivery process, and it did have moments of truly empowering information. While I was not convinced that they proved their point, I do agree that women should trust in their bodies and pursue a delivery that suits their individual needs, be that a home birth, a natural birthing centre, a hospital, or otherwise. You do not need to expect a traumatic birth experience, and you do have a choice as to your practitioner, your medications, and your limits. As graphic and hard to watch as this film can be, I highly recommend it for women unsure of what direction they would like to take - just take the message with a grain of salt.

Media Reflection: YouTube Lullabies

I'm very aware of how much screen time I expose my son to. We don’t watch any children’s programming or much television at all during the day. We have mostly books and “imagination toys,” rather than things that require batteries. We love to go for walks and to have conversations about our surroundings. 

That said, there is time and a place for some of the modern conveniences we have at our fingertips. One day, struggling to put my son to sleep during a rough teething period, I decided to cuddle him and listen to a little music. I pulled up YouTube on my smart phone, and to my surprise, there are literally hundreds of animated shorts and dedicated playlists for soothing your little one. Some are quite dynamic, with graphics better suited to a desktop screensaver. Others are repetitive and obnoxious, with singing child choruses or loud animal accompaniment. Since you want to lull your little one, but not torture yourself, here are two of my favourite night time videos:

This sweet video features an adorable sleeping newborn. At first you think you’re looking at a still image, until the baby’s sleeping face breaks into a little smile! Babies love other babies and my son smiled back, amazed at what he was watching. The music is soft and sweet – perfect for a lullaby. It does feel a little repetitive, but not bothersome. It is a just a light backdrop for a nice snuggle.

This video also features simple, music-box style lullabies with a soothing graphic. The dark colours and night sky theme are relaxing as you seem to glide above the clouds towards the moon. The image is interesting enough to zone into without demanding anything in terms of focus. Even without the visual, you could use the music to set the tone for a good night read.

As with any media for kids, it’s best to view it with your child. This not only ensures the quality of the material in terms of content, but also allows you to mention the shapes and colours you see, or sounds you hear, improving the educational value. It’s also important to involve your child’s other senses. Try using classical music or nature sounds for variety. Soft music and calm images are key. You can cue sleep with scent and touch by massaging your baby’s skin with a mild lotion before or during the lullaby.

Media Reflection: Bringing Up Bébé

New Year's Resolution: Add to the parenting toolbox.

Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting

Pamela Druckerman

Hardcover, 304 pages

Penguin Press, 2012

ISBN 13: 9781594203336

This book came out when I was working at a large book store chain down town Toronto, and it seemed to be in the basket of every hip, well-read parent. I immediately added it to the to-read pile in my head but only remembered it when I got pregnant. After a few failed trips to the library, I finally snagged a copy, and I'm very glad I persevered.

I absolutely loved this book. Druckerman struck a beautiful balance between her own experiences, what she has observed as an expatriate in France, feedback from French parents, and expert testimony. While I'm not sure I can incorporate everything presented in the book (either because it would feel too unnatural or because I don't fully agree with the principle) I was awed by her findings. She is clear that French parenting is not a philosophy in the way that Attachment Parenting is, and does not suggest that all French parents are the same in an overarching stereotype, while she praises the culture for rearing polite, autonomous children with adventurous palettes.

I'm glad I read it so early, because there are things that can be put into action right away. I've started to do The Pause with Eloise; taking a minute to observe her as she fusses to make sure she needs me to intervene before sweeping her up into my arms. Half of the time, she settles back down as her small vocalizations were part of her sleep and picking her up would disturb her and make her cry for real. I have also started putting her to bed while awake and letting her put herself to sleep, rather than waiting until she's in a deep slumber to put her into her bassinet. As a result, she sleeps longer (and so do I).

I feel like I will come back to this book as she ages, as so many of the tips made sense to me. While I'm not keen on being so laissez faire with her at the park or so stingy with praise, I do want to give her time to be alone and a sense of true accomplishment when she actually does something exceptional. Too much attention can alter a child's understanding of entitlement, but it strikes me as a difficult thing to handle. Luckily, I have time to ruminate on how I can find my own balance in these matters.

I would definitely recommend that parents give this book a read. In North America, we may be guilty of underestimating what children are capable of, and of overestimating how much stimulation they need. As an American in Paris, Druckerman does a great job of comparing the two cultures and describing one way in which they can be mixed together. As I've said before, I really appreciate personal parenting accounts, and this is one worth checking out. If nothing else, read the chapter on eating habits and be prepared to get back your dinner time sanity!

Media Reflection - Bravo's "Extreme Guide To Parenting"

Image borrowed from www.bluelilyphotography.com

Love it or hate it, reality television makes up the larger half of your programming guide these days.  From dancing celebrities to extreme food cook offs, North America can't get enough.  Beyond the accessibility for water cooler chat, humans are fascinated with other humans.  What they do, how they live, and how they raise their offspring.  Shows that feature parenting in one way or another aren't new, however, Bravo's "Extreme Guide to Parenting" takes the voyeuristic pleasure of criticizing child rearing to a new level.  

Each show features one or two families with a unique method of parenting.  From nomadic to eco-kosher to shamanistic, these styles are certainly a twist on tradition for most folks.  At first viewing, the parenting styles I saw, while perhaps a little aggressive, demonstrated some very interesting approaches to the ultimate goal of all parents - happy, talented, and open minded kids.  

From "the pusher" who enrolled her son in every after school program imaginable, to the family of jujitsu specialists, skill and above-average discipline is admirable. Wanting your child to excel is nothing to be ashamed of.  Every parent dreams of the straight-A student, the basketball star, the piano virtuoso. Where the line needs to be drawn is the point in which your child's own interests and friendships are affected.  You can't control their whole world without limiting their freewill.  Moreover, these kids seemed exhausted by the high pressure of their parents' expectations.  

Borrowed from www.hollywoodreporter.com

Alternative methods, such as the nomadic photographers, the aromatherapy-loving mother of the "jade child" and the hypnotizing mother of twins, offers some interesting insights in to the power of suggestion. While a little odd to me, the calm and confident approach to their techniques certainly gave me a moment of pause.  I question the effectiveness of these styles, but I must say that they seem to have some positives that I would not have otherwise considered.  Asking your child to be calm, breathe deeply, and think of something relaxing is something that I look to incorporate in to my own methods.

Although all episodes end with the parents reflecting on their parenthood choices, often moderating them slightly in light of a conversation or event, one episode shocked me considerably.  I like to think there are as many ways to raise a child as there are children in the world, but for the first time in my life, I saw a style that I considered so "wrong" that I questioned why no one had stepped in.  

The "body positive" mom, which on the surface seems like a very good thing, went to the point of speaking to her child through a vulva puppet, saving her menstrual blood to feed plants as a play-date activity, and brought her daughter to a nearly-nude, performance art piece (staring herself, no less).  I agree that the stigma of the female form and feeling shame about our sexuality is a bad thing.  I don't even judge the fact that the couple continues to work in the adult entertainment industry.  That said, this child was three.  She doesn't need to colour pictures of her reproductive organs and see mommy bound in leather and chain... I am completely surprised that this woman considered this merely a body positive method that was acceptable, never mind appropriate for TV.

This show is very interesting to watch, because even if I am taken aback, questioning, or intrigued by the stories shown, I am reflecting on why I feel this way and how I can let this inform my own choices.  It helps me to formalize my values and my goals, both for my son and the way my husband and I parent.  I recommend watching it, or as always, reading about different styles, even if you disagree.  Broadening your perspective only makes you a more empathetic mother and understanding person.

Media Reflection: Beyond the Sling

Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way

Mayim Bialik

Hardcover, 272 pages

Touchstone, 2012

ISBN 13: 9781451618006

So, full disclosure right off the bat: I do not intend to practice Attachment Parenting (AP). I elected to read this book because, as I prepare to embark on my lifelong parenting journey, I’m most interested in reading books by other moms, explaining what they did and why it did or didn't work for them. There is a place and time for medical doctrines and expert guide books, and I’m sure I’ll be reaching for “What to Expect: The First Year” or some similar tome when—sleep deprived and burdened by anxiety—I just can’t get my baby to calm down, but for now I just want to read books that share experiences. Mayim Bialik offers just that: a conversational tone, personal stories, and a set of tips that worked for her and her family. (It also offers a great introduction to Attachment Parenting concepts and methods, but they're weaved into the prose, so it can't be considered a standard introductory guide book.)

Beyond the Sling is broken into three parts (which are then further subdivided): What Baby Needs, What Baby Doesn't Need, and What Mama Needs. Bialik has a PhD in neuro-biology, and so she comes off as informed, but her focus is not so much the science as it is the sense of what feels right for your family and best for your baby. The core principles of AP are discussed: natural child birth, breast feeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, cloth or no diapering, gentle discipline, etc. While she constantly reminds her reader that she understands the individuality of these decisions, pressure still bleeds through the prose a little bit. There was a lot of "I understand not everyone can or will make these choices, it was simply what was right for me because...I love my babies and want the best for them and this is the best." Which can start to sound like "not everyone will make these decisions because they don't love their babies as much so they'll choose adequate secondary options." That being said, I did not resent her at the end of the book and truly believe that she understands the decision making process and respects other mothers whether they practice AP or not.

While it was easy for me to immediately decide that elimination communication (diaper-less babies roaming free) was not for me, other parts of AP aligned with my beliefs, and I was inspired to find ways in which I could incorporate them into my own choices. It opened up a dialogue with my own set of perceived parenting ideas (and amazing discussions with my husband) as I had to consider why what she was describing was not something I would choose to do. In the end, breast feeding (if I am able), gentle discipline, and some form of baby wearing are the three things I’ll definitely incorporate into my life, but I honestly feel that Mayim would be okay with that.

My favourite take away from this book is the idea of logical consequences for actions. As a part of gentle discipline, Mayim described the oddness of threatening children with seemingly unrelated punishments for actions, ie: "If you don't stop screaming, we won't go to the park later!" What does screaming and the park have to do with each other? Instead, she recommends using language to describe the connection between behaviour and response, such as "The way you keep screaming makes me afraid you won't listen to me when we go to the park later and it's important that you listen to stay safe when we go out." Ah! There's the connection.

While reading parenting books, blogs, and websites that validate your choices can be comforting and offer much needed advice and troubleshooting when most needed, I think it behooves us to read widely about experiences different to our own as well. If nothing else, it gives us pause to reflect on the decisions we make and allows us the time to appreciate the good job we are doing as mothers and fathers. I would recommend this book to those unfamiliar with attachment parenting for just that reason.